How to get a job

Important things to include on your CV (Curriculum Vitae):

Everybody knows the importance of a good Resume when applying for jobs! I hope the following list is helpful to you when you are preparing your own. The items on this list are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
  • I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
  • I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
  • Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
  • Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
  • Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
  • Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
  • Its best for employers that I not work with people.
  • Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
  • You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
  • Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
  • I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
  • Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
  • I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
  • I am loyal to my employer at all costs . . . . Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
  • I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
  • My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
  • I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
  • As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
  • Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
  • Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
  • Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
  • Marital status: often. Children: various.
  • Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
  • The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
  • Finished eighth in my class of ten.
  • References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
  • Through inexperience, I hope to contribute to your organisation.
And once when I was on an interview panel, a candidate had claimed on his resume :
  • ... analytical thinking, self-motivation, interpersonal skills, team player, ...
Nothing wrong with that, until the interview itself...
  • Interviewer: And what do you mean by interpersonal skills?
  • Candidate: Actually, I don't know what that means.
  • Interviewer: Pardon me?
  • Candidate: I don't know what interpersonal skills means.
  • Interviewer: But you put it in your own CV!
  • Candidate: Yes, my friend told me I ought to put that in.

Enjoy them? I hope so! If you see any more, let me Know!